Chancellor Philip Hammond has dozed off during a Brexit meeting and is having a bad dream about delivering next month's Spring Statement in the Commons when he already knows the cupboard is bare..

Chancellor Philip Hammond: Mr Deputy Speaker. Here is my statement: ‘As the Prime Minister has promised £20bn for the NHS, won't budge on shovelling more aid for all these bankrupt African countries and lets our juvenile defence secretary pretend he's recreated the British Empire, there is no money left for anything else at all. So that's all I need to say.' (Sits down)