Gosh Tarquin, that is a terrible cough. You've had it for weeks – try not to splutter over the cream leather interior, darling. Open the window and pass your germs out to those hideous protesters, there's a good boy.

Heaven knows we are all terribly concerned about the environment, but all these hippies wandering on the streets with their drums is a real nuisance. I dread to think how much time I have spent sitting in traffic jams this past week, just waiting for the police to haul them out of the way – it's cost me a fortune in petrol, just to sit idling.