Gosh Tarquin, with all this talk of knife crime, mummy doesn't want to drop you off at prep without a bodyguard. Whatever would I do if some machete-wielding gang member did something ghastly to my precious boy? I'd never forgive myself.

Honestly, it's just not safe on our streets anymore. If one's not been stabbed by marauding youths or dodging suspect packages then one is choking on air pollution. Honestly, the sooner they ban buses on our roads the better, I say.