Everyone keeps banging on about all these old people costing a bomb and how they're taking over the world ‘cos there's so many of them – and the rest of us will be lucky to get the corner of a bedpan in hospital since all the beds are stuffed with wrinklies as there's nowhere else for them to go.

The answer's very simple. Sack all the nannies from the public health quangos and give ‘em jobs in care homes, then scrap the quangos, ditch the bossy messages telling us to eat more broccoli and start a new campaign: ‘Eat more fat, it's good for you.'