I'm not surprised these council 'elf and safety guys want to cancel Christmas markets. They're far too dangerous. All them hot mince pies that could scald you, French garlic sausages to blow your insides apart, German lager at 8% proof meaning you're over your weekly units after a pint and a half and as for crackers, they're a right menace. You could do serious damage if you bust a gut laughing at one of them riddles.

Don't get me started on Xmas trees with them spiky branches and what if the fairy at the top fell off and landed on someone's head, think of the compensation the council would have to cough up.