All right, I know, it's very hot and it's not been this hot since the last time it was bleeding hot in 2019, 2018, 2016, 2013, 2011 and 2010, but we're not all five years old.

We don't need to be told by the council's public health nannies to close the curtains, drink ‘plenty of fluids' (I've upped my Staropraman count to five pints a day), ‘wear loose clothing' (actually, no clothing across the upper torso, let the belly hang out, is even better), ‘stay in the shade' (how am I supposed to jack up my sun tan then?), and ‘check on the neighbours' (if I do they tell me to ‘mind my bleeding business and sling yer hook').