'll tell you what needs levelling up – the roads.

Never mind a few quid here and there doled out by some pen-pusher in Whitehall for hanging flower baskets on the high street. My big end's nearly been a goner half a dozen times, and I lost a half ounce of old Dutch Shag while rolling up a gasper in the motor after bouncing off a bleeding pothole as deep as the San Andreas Fault.