Why is there all this fuss about ‘saving Christmas?' It only lasts one day and yet the whole nation goes berserk at the very idea it might be ever so slightly different to all the others we've celebrated the past 2,000 years.

It's not like we're looking forward to a few days off work. We're all sick to the bleeding back teeth with staring at our four walls. You won't be able to get trollied 'cos all the pubs are only allowed to open half an hour a day and you have to buy a three-course banquet just to down half a pint of wallop.