The public health nannies have finally triumphed. For years they've been banging on about cutting down the booze to a thimbleful a week, ditch the fags, cut out the fry-ups, eat more greens, especially broccoli, exercise 5,000 steps a day, and no one has paid a blind bit of notice 'cos if we followed their advice we'd all die early from boredom, never mind coronary heart disease

Now look what's happened. Even if you manage to get a booking to visit the local boozer it's half empty and shuts early at 10, just about the time we're ready to go out after pre-loading, and you have to wear gardening gloves when you handle the glass so you don't get the virus. I'd rather stick at home.